I wish I could start this off by stating that I’m in a wonderful space now and I’m broaching this subject as a wise, pilates-practicing sage of sound marriage–but I’m not. My reconciliation with my husband is something I’m wading into with equal measures of caution and excitement, and until I wrap my head around it entirely, I can really only explain how it feels to be moving out of a space I’ve lived in by myself for three years. As I sit in a living room covered in a layer of boxes filled with books, and plastic tubs filled with old coats and scented candles (I have strange organizational skills) I think about the feelings of loneliness, freedom, restlessness, and rebellion that accompanied me throughout my separation from my husband. I learned a few hard lessons along the way that I feel compelled to share.
First? Being alone can feel glorious…for awhile.
My clothing-optional dinners were pretty dope. So were my interpretive dances to FKA Twigs in front of my living room mirror. On the weekends my son didn’t come over I did some reading, caught up on some ratchet reality t.v. via Hulu, and just let my hair down in general. It was nice until it wasn’t. I’m getting to that, though. After the first year it went from Laidbackville to Lonelybitchville pretty quickly after you realize that the population for both places is one.
Before I decided to lead a slightly more substantive life, I’d begun to pick up some pretty damaging habits. As I tumbled down that habit rabbit hole, I discovered that my damaging behaviors still thrived in my husband’s absence. All I really did was replace him with surrogate punching bags for my passive aggressiveness and verbal abuse. I soon realized that if I didn’t make goals for my personal growth like I did for the rest of my life, I’d end up running in circles.
When you’re alone you start to get that the problem is you.
When there was no one around to blame, I began to see that I’m the author of my own circumstances. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s necessary because it helped me take an emotional audit. The result was that I realized I needed to do better to balance myself for me. That’s what’s was missing from my plan for self improvement. At the core of attracting positive people, achieving stability, and treating others the way I need to be treated is realizing that the work that propels me toward those things start with me accepting responsibility for them. It’s been tough for me to admit what I need to control, and accept what I can’t, but it’s definitely been worth it.
My socks are all over the place and finding my car keys in the morning has been nearly impossible all week, butat least I know where I am. I also know where I’m headed.